Things To Tell Our Grandchildren.
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Today I started on a new adventure, an adventure thats gonna fucking kill me or at the very least; drive me insane. Yesterday I started training for the 2013 ING Marathon.
So as of March 5th, Operation trainforthemarathonsoidontdierunning26miles is officially underway! I did the half-marathon about 2 years ago and considering the results, I am not really sure as to why I’m doing it again. I trained for a few months, running every day. Not sure what happened during Thanksgiving and the entire month of December but apparently I forgot to train then. I thought it was enough to get through the 13.1 miles. Fuck that! Let’s just say that I spent a good amount of time walking (about 2.5 hours of the 3 that it took me to run) for what seemed like an eternity and every step I took, I felt like calling a cab…
Yesterday I started training. I went to the gym in the morning and everything went well. Came to work and the day was pretty awesome, so I was really pumped for my run. I get out there and I start the run. I got music blasting in my ears and the weather is nice and cool. All of a sudden, this fucking cat jumps out from the bushes and instantly goes for my jugular! It was in slow motion, all I saw were those bright yellow eyes and those fangs ready to take my life away! As I am fighting this hellcat, I muster up this supernatural ferocity and rip this possessed being from my neck! Those little bastards are fierce… Maybe I exaggerated a little but a cat did jump out of the bushes…and it looked mean…with its cute little bow and everything.
As I’m pushing through my run, I feel my energy leaving my body with every breath I take but I am pushing, thinking of my pride. Whoever said that pain is weakness leaving the body can go play in traffic! Let’s see how much weakness leaves the body then. Oh and go fuck yourself too. I’m running, it’s dark, I can barely breathe, the music is starting to annoy me, and then BOOM! I step on dog shit, or from the size of it, elephant shit! Seriously?! So I step off into the grass and start scraping the dog poo off my shoe (oh it rhymes! Maybe I can start a rap career and fail miserably) and people driving by are staring at me all weird and stuff. I mean if I was a driver, I’d stop by and ask if there was something that I could do to help and by that I mean stop, roll down the window, point and laugh. The only benefit to my tyrannosaurus shit encounter is that it allowed me to catch my breath a little. So with a little more energy now, I start to run again.
I’m nearing the end of my run and I can see a glimmer of hope when I finally start to see my car, or at least I thought it was. I tell myself; “Napoleon, stop fucking around and get your shit moving.” I take off as if I am running for my life! With the determination of an Olympic runner, I run right into a fucking spider web. And not a pussy little “Charlotte’s web” kinda thing. No, this thing was monstrous. It must’ve been the elusive Amazonus-giganticus-motherfuckerthatshitisbig-spiderus that only exists in myths that spun this thing! It’s everywhere! I’m tangled upin this shit but still manage to stumble into my car.
I finally get in my car and I cried a little. Haha! But this experience is not going to deter me! Not Napoleon! I now have cat-repellant (a water cooler full of dogs!), a pooper-scooper, and a machete to cut through the webs!! There’s nothing that is going to stop me from running these 26.2 miles….wait, it’s 26 fucking miles?! FUCK MY LIFE….
Side Note – yes, I call myself Napoleon. It personifies me; little guy with hope of ruling the world!